It’s a dilemma we all face- how to feel gratitude for the bountiful gifts that this life bestows, without blocking out the horrors we also find on the way.

I attended a grief ritual led by Alexandra Derwen a few months ago. (Do check out their amazing work with grief, ceremony, lament and how death can be our teacher www.journeywithdeath.com). My lament was “I don’t know how to be, in a world where both butterflies and bombs are true”.

How do we live, balancing the two?

To focus purely on the beauty without taking into account any shadow- all that “love and light” malarkey, is to deny reality, it is not only untrue, it is downright dangerous. No one can remain untouched by life’s challenges- the pain, the loss, the horror.

Unless we choose to look at this too, rather than turning away from the shadows in fear, we can’t truly live. The shadows teach as much wisdom as the light. We need both, in balance to be true to ourselves and true to life itself.

And yet, at times, the darkness is overwhelming. We are flattened by grief for the planet we continue to destroy in our lust for more, the loss of one more species, one more green space. Hatred floods through our communities, the future looks bleak and desolate. It’s hard to even see the wonders when our eyes and ears are full of the sheer awfulness of it all.

Our own personal griefs and fears also wax and wane, wax and wane. I’m finding it hard to just see the magic and wonder all around me, without it being weighed down by sadness and the ache in my belly of fear. It is not easy to welcome so many emotions at once. A complex churning, but I know this is what this being human is.

The key of course, is being present, easy to say, harder to practice. The flash of a russet fox leaping over a wall, the dimpsey clamour of rooks overhead, the crunch of leaves underfoot, the touch of my love’s hand… I hold on to all these perfect, shining moments. These are what carry me through the dark times, wee gems to reflect back on, like tiny, strength-laden prayers, in the noticing, the gathering of small joys. With these clutched to my heart, maybe I can face the aching loss, the bittersweetness of these challenging days.

Today it is a dance, a bewildering, exhausting, wonderous dance, light and dark, light and dark, and yet I am grateful for each step, and for those that dance with me.