I feel sad and I have to admit, a bit annoyed every time we hear on the news or personally, that someone died “after a long battle with cancer” or “they bravely fought cancer for many years”, that kind of thing.

There’s a few things here-

Firstly, it almost feels like a judgement- as if they may still be alive if they’d only fought a bit harder. Everyone does all they can (or all that want to do) to stay strong and well for whatever time they have. Hearing these stories can make us feel pressured to go for more aggressive treatment than we may want, or continue treatment way beyond what is sensible. It’s strange- we don’t say someone battled heart failure, or other diseases in the same way. It’s almost like cancer is a foe to be overcome. Again, I think this is the fear of cancer coming through.

Then, I (and this is only me) can not identify with the fight. I know many folk can visualise zapping or slaying cancer cells. If that is your way, I’m in no way criticising that, I know it works for many.

I guess it’s because I have, in effect, had cancer all my life. From when I was little, skin cancers have been a way of life, part of my year, treatments and precautions etc. I can’t imagine life without them.

I remember a marvellous therapist at a retreat saying that he hears people talk about living with cancer, but he’d not met anyone that fit that description so accurately.

So for me, to build a war against my own DNA, my own faulty gene, just felt wrong. Like going into battle against myself.

Now feels the same. My cancer is systemic, so instead of hating it and fighting it, instead I am going to love my body as best I can. Feed it well, care for it well, take the treatments I have decided to take, yes, of course. Build my immune system to be strong and then trust it will keep me well for good while yet. I’ve just read a really inspiring account of someone who sent love to his cancer every day. That feels like a new, gentle approach.

I will keep on finding my way, but I am determined not to live the remainder of my life in an adrenaline- fuelled battle. There’s far too much living to do.

(And if anyone uses the battle words at my funeral, well, I’ll just have to haunt you won’t I? )