Today is an odd kind of day. I always love Christmas, for the joy of choosing gifts, for writing cards with Christmas tunes playing, for unwrapping every bauble I’ve collected over the years, each a reminder of a time, a place, for filling the house with delicious food, for the whole madness of it all. Ok, my cards are often late and I usually have an odd shaped, bought too late tree, but we get there.

It’s no longer a day I celebrate spiritually, that is firmly at Winter Solstice, and we certainly had a rich mix this year with the craziness of Montol Festival, followed by Stonehenge ritual.

This year, the time I’d normally be shopping, making gifts, planning menus, all of that has been taken up with hospital appointments, with dealing with my news, with all that goes with it. So we skidded into Christmas totally unprepared. No cards sent, presents bought at the last minute (thank goodness for my local artisan shops yesterday!), no puddings or cake made. Even the tree was bought yesterday and still sits in the garden, dropping needles at an alarming rate.

Part of me is mortified that I’m in this chaos, that I didn’t somehow get everything done like Wonder Woman.

But, in reality, none of this matters. As a friend so kindly pointed out, they don’t need cards to know I love them. We have food, we have warmth, we have loved ones around us. The sun has risen and the days will begin to lengthen, the wheel turns onwards. All the rest is just fluff. Fun fluff, if it’s not causing us stress. But fluff nonetheless.

At a time when our bodies are low in energy, when we are programmed to rest, we put ourselves through so much unnecessary stress.

So today, it is as it is. The tree will be decorated, food will be cooked and I will breathe. I will stop, feel gratitude for all that is. Feel the sun’s warmth, watch the rooks come in to roost. I will feel the other stuff too, because Christmas doesn’t stop grief or fear.

I’m so aware that this time of year is painful, anxious, challenging for so many. If that’s you, please stop, breathe. Drop the expectations, the shoulds, the self judgement. Just be with what is. Look hard for shining moments amongst the difficulties, they are there for you to discover.