Today my mortality was held up right in front of my face. It’s hard not to recoil, to turn away, but looking it straight in the eye turned out to be surprisingly OK.

Following my diagnosis, I’d been invited to see my GP, just to have a check in. We talked through some side effects of treatment, of how I was doing emotionally and so on.

And then came the didn’t-see-that-one-coming question. Had I thought about resuscitation status? It kind of knocked the air out of my lungs for a moment. TEP form…me?…I’m not dying yet!!! What, really?

And then I stopped, and thought, and decided that it was not a bad idea. Let’s just do it right now, I responded.

A TEP or treatment escalation plan allows you to guide doctors/ ambulance crew etc as to your wishes, should you be in need of resuscitation.

I’d carried one of these for my dad each time he went into hospital, knowing the implications that the DNR (do not resuscitate) on his form meant. If he went into cardiac arrest, he would not receive CPR, I would have to just watch him die. I know that for his stage in life it was the right choice, and yet that single piece of A4 paper weighed heavy in my hand.

So now find myself in this strange in between place, where I’m feeling mostly pretty well, yet aware of the reality I’m facing. I’m certainly far from the end, if I have anything to do with it!

After chatting through the form, my choices were clear, right now, should that situation occur, I’d want CPR, I’d want ICU, I’d want the works. I want to fight for this precious life.

That’s now, with me relatively fit and able. Its not fixed forever. If things progress, I expect I will amend the form several times, to reflect my wishes as my life and health change.

But for now, it’s a clear message that I’m choosing what happens to me. It’s there in black and white, there to guide anyone who may be unsure what this stage 4er would want. It actually felt empowering. Knowing someone’s wishes before you need to make decisions on their behalf is such a gift to them. Knowing is so much less painful than guessing. And now it’s written down, I don’t need to think about it again, till something changes.

There are other ways to make your wishes known. I’m working through these and will share here as I go. But for now, well, it’s TEP, tick!