Despite wanting the world to stop whilst I grieve, it continues. My treatment continues.

Today I have yet more blood tests. After my first cycle of targetted treatment (akin to chemo), tests showed that my tumour markers had reduced, which is good news. Alongside that, less positively, my immune system had taken a bashing and I was neutropenic. This means I am very vulnerable to infection. The next cycle can not start until these levels recover. Last week they had crept up, but not enough.

So today I’m repeating the process and hoping and worrying. Cancer bring so many of these worry times, from scanxiety to blood counts. I try to calm myself, knowing that the cocktail of hormones that stress releases into my bloodstream, also depletes my body and inhibits the recovery I need.

It’s strange going through the motions of hospital visits, clinic calls, drug deliveries, extending my life, all whilst coming to terms with a life that has ended. It’s strange going through the motions of work and tax returns and orders, whilst trying to heal. It’s strange working with dying whilst wanting ti live.

It’s an edges existence, a liminal space, walking on so many levels, this fine line between life and death. Living life fully, by embracing death.